Pam Ann, You F*Coffee April 13th, 14th

I laughed till I almost peed myself. My make-up went all runny and my cheeks ached. It was two hours of deliciously naughty, rude, clever fun in the Festival of shameless arts currently on in Vienna. And I do admire Ms Pam Ann that she very obviously created her program especially for us, the Viennese. There was lots of talk about AUA (our national airline) which has been bought by Lufthansa (the Germans) and now tries to keep Emirates Air (“You don’t like to hear that name here in Vienna, do you?”) out of our airport because – well, they’re cheaper and offer better service.

First off a little explanation: Pam Ann is truly  too good to be true – she’s the alter ego of Australian comedienne Caroline Reid and incredibly successful with her Pam Ann Show on aussie TV. Now see how I came upon her:  and believe you me – she is TAME in comparison to her live show. And onto the live show:

It all starts with an info screen that shows various destinations and various airlines (like Qantas to Sydney – in repair; or American Airlines to Las Vegas – no crew yet; or Al’Italia to Rome – departure at 8.20-ish; and finally Lufthansa to Berlin – you better be on time!) which is hilarious in itself. They update themselves regularly till all show that we now all are on the way to Paradise… Then Ms Pam Ann peruses the new (and I think rather short lived) TV-show Pan Am and copies herself into the various scenes, not one of which is now appropriate for children any longer.

Then Pam Ann comes out and states – she is only going to talk to first class and business. Everyone from the seventh row on is a non-entity to her – “I smell you, don’t you wash? I’ll have flight attendants come to you with bricks to build a wall between you and us”. This was followed by stabs against various airlines – British Airlines with their new marketing strategy “What would Kate do?” the Kate in question of course being Kate Middleton. So in case of an emergency – Kate would do NOTHING because she’s the future queen. She has people who do things for her!!!!

Or the story about the point of no return when an aircraft must take off,  when … “what, you haven’t heard of that? You are living in a f….ing fairy tale land. No – no kidding – your houses are all gingerbread houses, your people are all so f…ing friendly and even your names… cute, really fucking cute!” … a spanish plane didn’t know how to use the runway and was on course to crashing with a Lufthansa aircraft. And the tower said “helloooo Lufthansa…” that’s the gay coordinator on – “hellooo Lufthansa, you are ready for take offffff!” then he sees the intercepting aircraft and “Hello LUFTHANSA STOP!!!!” just before the point of noi return and all you see is – whomp. And Lufthansa stops “ja? what waz the problem. Ve stopped. Ve have a bit hot tyres now but ve can return immediately.” Now picture that with an easy jet machine. The gay coordinator comes on again, turns to his colleage: should we even bother?  and booooom, one problem less!

Also the story about the tears in the wings of the qantas airbusses – “yes, you don’t know them, they can’t even LAND in Vienna, they’re so … BIG!” – yeah, you heard about that, didn’t you? That’s because we Australians are so f…ing loud! HE WE HAVE TEARS IN OUR WINGS! LISTEN WORLD! TEARS!!!! Emirates Airlines are much more discreet “cha mana chacha, psst, decha mahaamo – give them free stuff they won’t see a thing!”

Or why it takes so long to get off a plane in Schipohl: Because KLM is the last airline to offer their first class passengers gifts – tiny little ceramic houses, a new one every year, filled with … Gin of course. So the stewardess comes out with a tray full of houses and every gay has a list on his phone or iPad where the houses he has are ticked off “Do you have ’67? oh yes, love, take a look….” So that’s why it takes hours to unboard in Schipohl – BECAUSE THE F…ING GAYS CAN’T DECIDE WHICH HOUSE THEY WANT!”

And so it goes on and even after seeing it two times I am not able to remember all the hilarious jokes and innuendoes an incredibly brilliant Pam Ann was delivering at a breakneck speed. There was the dig against Virgin Airlines who are apparently crap but their stewardesses are hot and easy to fuck, against Austrian – you are dressed all in red – against the red walls your stewardesses just vanish – very clever, against the “jeanny”-like stewardesses of Emirates with their tiny little veils and then they blink and are gone! and finally against Air France who are so stuck up they don’t serve you because that’s not a good enough job for them.

It finally ends with another brilliant montage of Pam Ann starring in The Exorcist, Superman, The Godfather. By that time we were all exhausted from laughter but would have gone on for ages if it were only possible! Truly, I hope she comes back next year – Vienna obviously loves her, both shows were sell out successes!


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